You dipped your toes into the darkness,
As though to test if it was cold,
And I knew right when you shivered,
You were more scared than you had told,
I wrote my words into a life ring,
Something to keep your world afloat,
But against the strength of your nightmare,
They were a soggy paper boat,
I don't know what the blackness told you,
What wondrous things it planned to give,
But I watched as the light died in your eyes,
Along with your will to live,
I screamed your name to pierce the silence,
But you were too long gone to hear,
Caught somewhere between being noticed,
And wanting to disappear,
You once said you were scared of darkness,
And that you'd never learnt to swim,
But with its promises pumped through your veins,
You held your breath and jumped right in.
Today, Tuesday, February 21, 2017, marks exactly one year from the day Lilly committed suicide. One year ago today, I was on my way home from Boston. One year ago today, my best friend was alive when I got on a plane in Massachusetts and gone by the time I got off in Ohio.
I remember the day my parents told me what had happened. My family was the first to get the news, and my mom told me as soon as I got home the next day. I remember it like I was yesterday. I walked in and my parents had these indescribable looks on their faces. At first, I thought I was in trouble, tbh. I never expected anything like this. My mom took me upstairs and told me what had happened and my mind went numb, I couldn't think or hear anything but the fact that I was screaming, I was screaming so much and I just couldn't stop, I couldn't make myself stop screaming. Tears were running down my face and I just couldn't stop, it was like someone was in my head yelling at me, telling me it was my fault, that she was gone and it was my fault and now she's never coming back and it's my fault.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, she's gone, and she's never coming back. There was a hole in my chest the size of her fist. And there were fragments of glass lodged in my throat, making every breath a little bit harder, and every word a little bit shakier. There was a storm forming behind my eyelids threatening to pour. My heart shattered, and the closest broom felt a thousand miles away.
It's been said that the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go. This is true. A few times a month it hits me that she's gone and she's not coming back, and all I have left are some drawings and not enough pictures of the two of us. I still spend entire nights up sobbing. I'm not quite sure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. It's the kind of heartache I can feel in my bones.
You should be here, Lilly. You didn't deserve this. At your memorial service, your mom asked me if your last words were happy, because I was the last one you talked to, and I still didn't get the goodbye I would have wanted. You took so much of me with you when you left. You made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. You walked with the Universe on your shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings, but it still wasn't enough.
I love you, Lilly. I've never stopped. I'm glad I was able to be there for you and that we were able to make some amazing memories for five years.